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23rd April 2007

8:52pm: man! ok this is just Fucked up. to u viewers who've read my last few enterys,[seeing as i'm talking again], my have read me mentioning that i gave up tons o'shit; in tying to run from life. some how or another, in this last few days i've been asked to write again, some months ago to play bass,a few weeks ago to keep a promis to my son w/ the Karate,{something i've always wanted to learn}i've dug out cds and movies i havent looked at in; well a long damn time. people i haven't talked to in months if not year, just came back into my life. and now one more has happened. Someone has asked me to walk back into my artwork. for the first time in a while i'm looking forword to tomorrow, i want to get up and pratice, i want to dig out all my old artwork and go to town. what sucks is i cant say thank you enough. No one how lonley i've been since the shit w/ Amy fell through, how i can't just trust anyone, how i don't like myself anymore, i mean i never had well ballanced selfesteem, but i HATED myself, i'm not on the greatest terms w/ me yet. I don't know if i ever will. apperently it will happen or not; look at whats already going on. 

I dn't know i'm just feeling a little floored that back in Febuary I trusted someone who'd i'd never met before and look at all the great shit happening to me and i feel like i'm not helping at him one bit. he keeps telling me i am so i'll  trust him again and see what ellse falls out of the sky. 
Current Mood: grateful

22nd April 2007

11:23pm: meh
today has been different, 

yesterday was my first day in Karate and i was right, by the end of class i was dying.Then what sdo i do? Go for a 2 mile walk. trying to kill myself; you ask? no i'm just sick and tired of being fat. plus bout 20 other reasons i'll not bore you w/.   In short i survived and had fun so'll do it again. 

back to today, now besides needing tynoal (sp?) all day i'm good but i was pissed off all day i had no reason for this i was just mad at everything, i had breef periods of Okay but still *GGGRRRRR*. IT just wouldn't go away. i turned on music, tried to read, it never crossed my mind to call anyone because i couldn't phathom why in the hell i was like this let alone explain it to some one! 

but somethin joyfull happened in the middle well more like tail end of the day but ...Feh.... I heard from Nikki, i haven't talked to this girl in year, i had a hand in raising this chick for a few years, she still calls me her "crazy Aunt" , eh... accurate to a tee. found out her livejournal and this is really cool.

My life in rattling and peices are falling out and i'm picking stuff up for replacement parts, and for once, the things and people alone the way aren't shit, like before. I'm likeing this, then the "glass is half empty" person who lives in my head shows up and we get what you (I) had today. fucked off for no reason what so ever...!!??? 

like i opened w/ ... strange.
Current Mood: blah

20th April 2007

10:47pm: Happy 4-20 everyone
well lets see here, 

last really good 4-20 i had i wrecked my car. not driving today so i'm safe. To any who read this wish me luck because tomorrow i'm getting my ass handed to me by my 11 yr old,; i joined his Karate class. I don't know how well thought out this idea was but i'm bought and paid for now so i can't back out. But i know i'm going to be in sever pain bcz i dnt even know how to do a stinkin push-up, LOL, I'm SO Fucked! 

My Patrick got his new car today, i'm still green w/ envy; he's gone an gotten himself one Nice ride, 94 Camero, Black. the car looks smokin'. Damn to be 18 w/ the Cool ride again, i think i'd still have my 73 Nova, if i had a choice, but i don't. I;ll  live maby if i'm a good girl he'll take pitty on me and give me a ride around the block. lol. it sucks to be a gearhead w/ a 'mom-mobile' (sp?) meh.

on the flip side Patrick is going to Kill me... I didn't pratice yet today...i'll finish up here get a little buzzed then tear up my hands. Wounder how that'll feel tomorrow? bet it won't be good...oh well i like self inflicted pain... this will be different tho, usually i only inflict emotional pain on myself....eh?

ok just deleated last 4 paragraphs for lack of sense .... rum and coke kicked in. 

see u on the other side 
Current Mood: envious

19th April 2007

11:23pm: lips of an angel

i don't know where to start.... my life went nuts and i went and hid in a corrner again becouse i dont know wot else to do. so i'll fill in the blanks for all y'all interested in known' . 

right now i'm listing to music i haven't been able to in; oh, year or more because it hurt too much.  My poor friend PatricK, he's messing w/ his iPod 'bout 2 weeks ago and he put this song on and i bust out cryin', talk about being embarresed. I hate crying; especally when i know that i'll have to explain why when i'm done. 

then today my best friend Jessica asks me to write a fic for her,and for the first time in well since my last post or realy before i want to. i haven't been able to bring my self to wight anything, i mean ANYTHING! a reply to a fic i've read to finishing my own epic. i dnt e mail my friends NOTHING!  All becouse of one person.


I've never hated anyone until i saw the true colors of this ... person? i met this girl she becomes my friend then more than a friend, she's comming al the way across the pond to come see ME! Wowo talk about feeling i'mortant for 15 minutes in my little sad fucked up life at the time, and wot does this person do... she tries to step into my life take my husban and kids and leave me in the cold all with in 5 days of being in my home with absoulity NO WAY to get her back home and my husband thinks Yeah great i got 2 females fighting over me and YES!! cool cake and convience to boot.... *seeing RED* 

I'll vent more bout her another day ..... 

but back to the writing thing ... I always HAted writing in school after then one day i had this idea in my head after reading tons of slash and yaoi all over the net i thought why not, i've decribed some shit to my friends who did write .. i posted chalanges up and down the fanfiction community ... My turn.. and found a great bata and off i wnet, and i was happy for just a little while i could get my pain out thru my charchters, OC or not ... i was Cliff on ..6 Rpgs. i was finaly comming out of the hole i dug to escape my biologocal family and then the bitch came in my life and riped out my soul and shit on it and everythig i loved.. my music my house, my writing, my art, my kids, you name it and it all was fucked from this person Amy.

this shit happened all in late 2004 to early mid 2005.... i thought i was going to crawl in a corrner and die... i ganed and lost 60 pounds,i stoped eeverything i gave a shit about befor i met her becouse everything hurt so fucking much... slowly i started to read my fanfiction again i havent been reading any of my old fandomes but thats ok, but i can read again i can paint again, but that was almost short lived becouse of my bio-family. by Bio-family; i mean the ppl who thought they raised me.... yeah right ... beat the crap out of me kicked me out more times than i can count dislike me told me i shouldn't have kids i should have given them to a better home .. have called DCFS ( dep of  Family serveice) on me for not answering my phone when they call or i wouldnt come down to the house when becconed or didn't fix wotevery problem they wanted done ... the list gos on and on and on and these are the ppl who are my family who blame the gas prices going up on ME ... I shit you not... the line and Jewel is too long its Teri's fault.. i got into a car accedent its Teri's fault because i wouldn't have been out driving if i hadent had to get a birthday present for yur fucking brats... this is my grandmother speeking... MY GRANDMA... just think wot the rest of the fuckers think of me..... i'm thr scurge of the earth... YET they wont stay out of my life no matter if i get a restraining order... 

 think i got Way off track.. So Sorry.. but damn it i'm Pissed and OFF my Meds, and that not a joke eather ... welcome to mode swings

Present day........

I've gotten up and down from my desk and forgot wot i was saying and meh, So starting here... 12:45 am 4-20-2007 
bring up to speed a little my bio-family has used a medical emergancy to barge back into my life i had finly gotten them to leave me and mine alown somewhat for the most part sinse june of 2006 they called the cops on me for the LAST time, other family members steped in ans "advised" my grandparents, that dealing w/ me was a lost cause... I was fine w/ this then Wed. april 4th 2007 i think i get a call in the middle of something important that i'll get to in a few. .  i get this call from my psycho aunt telling my grandma is dying of brest cancer... OUCH I'm floored.. then she tells me that the doctors havent even bi-op-cee-ed( can't spell) the lump yet and is all 31 flavors of worked up and not making a damn bit of sence beacuse she's drunk and on prozak and xanax at the same time adnd once again they need Teri to come fix something or do this or fetch that.. that's all i'm good for then they drop me like a led balloon when they find somweone else to do for them and take me out of the loop so now i dnt know wots going on w/ the cancer they wont tell me .. all i get is my drunk grandma calling me a week and a half later telling me its pre-cancer, my aunt saying not its cancer, my grandfather in the background telling thewm to get off the phone w/ "the little Bitch" and more.. Oh and " btw would you run to walmart for us and get me some wine and bras for gramdma?" WTF!! talk about fucked UP! and i'm not explainging this all very well and lots of it is paraphrased but i think you get the idea..

the ONLY bright lights in my life right now are my kids, Jessica and Patrick. My kids some days i wanna ...... *grrrrrrr*  Ilove my kids but there is  a 7 year gap between them and some days it makes it hell on water. i'm not the best parent i know that but fuck me, do they all act like shits at his age? I'm worried about my oldest, he's lost most of his friends because he's too much like me.. i think anyway .....  his friends make fun of him because his hair is long, his very skinny, But he'll kick your ass in 2 seconds flat you hurt his feelings but damn it EVERYTHING is getting to this kid lately and his friends don't give a shit. they have beet the crap  out of him in the past runn him off from their houses, you'd think he'd wanna stay away .. Nope he still wanted to try and work thing out 'till one of his friends moms kicked him off her properst for something Her own kid did ( found out later on) an thredened my kid (age 11) that if he came back she'd call the cops!!! WTF.. Her kid TRIED tro light their house ON FIRE , AGAIN! and its My Kids Fault!!!! ...you should have seen my temper that day... 

bright spot of Jessica..my sounding board, for a LONG Damn time the only person i knew i could tell any thing( still do) and wont judge me, she knew wot was going on w/ Amy she held my hand while i walked around in the dark i put my self in because i thought( think) i deserve it, i'll depress myslef in 2 seconds flat and she sit there and walk my thru it, she'll make me stop and think logic, and makes me ask why i'm doing this to my self but she'll still let me go sit in my corrner and cry and lock the bathroom door for me so i can cry alone and shoves klenx under the door. calls herself "my pest" as if.. i wish like hell i could fix stuff for her like she does for me but right now i'm helpless, i wanna send her rotted spoiled ass sister and her 3 ficked up rotted assed kids back to hell where they came from, spioled little bitch thinks she desevers everyone to bow down and take care of her and her brats and put others out *Grrrrr* she doesn't know how to deal w/ her own fuck up a nd now Jessica whole household has to pay and it sucks. I'm biasedly Pissed also becouse i could go to Jessicas house i Painted there i hung out there i call her mom "mom" her Dad" Dad" and i'm acceped there they love me more then my Bio-Family and Now i can't stand to go there and Jessica  is on Lock down becouse her own sister cant even be responable to watch her own fucking kids and Jessica is told you can go do that ... we need you to be here your sistyer needs so sleep...... SLEEP ......FUCK ME. if i had a big enough house i'd move her in.. Hell i seriously thought of moving her w/ us next year... and i dn't give a fuck, i'll kidnap her if i have to becouse she's stuck she's now where to go stuck in debt and generaly fucked over and i just wanna make it better becouse she don't deserve this she's had enough shit handed to her... 

Patrick... i met Patrick on My Cliff's birthday, (yes all things revolve around the Goddess and Cliff Burton { i'm fucked in the head deal w/ it}) i love this person i've known him since 2-10-2007 and i feel i knew him forever. if my religon is true at all i've known Patrick before i've had to have, there is know way to explain it otherwise. 
Patrick is the grandson of my work(s) former office leader, he's the recptinist(sp?) work nights i work days w/ his grandma and befor the 10th of Feb. i was suposed to go out to thier house and cut his hair, it was discribed to me as "kinda shaggy", an she'd asked me to clean it up, not cut it all off she didnt mind if he has long hair just wanted a style to it. Me being a cosmotologist.. Cool i'll do that for her no problem.. well my kids got sick and i couldn't make it out to thier place. So on 2-10 this tall red head comes into the office like he owns it and i'm thinkin this must be Patrick.. Yep needs hair cut.. he's "hi I'm Patrick nice to meet you" I'm "Teri nice to meet you too i was suposed to cut your hair"   I swear to you i thought he was going to run from the room or recoil i dn't know. i didnt get to find out for a hour or 2 becouse work go busy for a little, during down time i got up front and start to read this metaphycial book he's reading .. My Pagan ass is interested in why he's reading this book and next thing we're talking religon, Music, "the betales or the Stones" I got the wrong answer, whoops.. Irish stuff out the wazoo Cliff Burton to FleetwoodMac,  Eddie Izzaard, you name it we talked bout it (well ok maby not that much but you get me) me w/ the " you know Bass player got to stick togather" comment and by the end of the day i'm taking Bass lessons from Him and jumping for Joy because i just want to play one day be good enough to get up on my roof or something cool like that on Cliff's B-Day and just Play and Play, I wanna play for my mom i wanna send her prayers to heaven thru this i wanna say thank you for havin me i'm sorry your gon i miss you i wanna play "changes" by Black Sabbath( i cant spell to night) for my great grandma i wanna do so much w/ it. this person who ..as my faith teaches.. a teacher ..when the student is ready ... will fall in thire lap.. he's standing in front of me and i always lately because i just do not make or find the time to pratice feel like i'm waisting his time.. i wanna learn i wanna get better , but i'm freeked out at the same time, ok explnation in order, as I've gotten to Know Patrick more he's become "Family" I'll kill anyone who hurts Him, ex-girlfriend, someone who looks at him crossedeyed, thier dead, little bitch at work i wanna beat into the ground, if he called me an said i'm 3 hours away and my car broke down and your all i could reach i'd be in the car befor i got the directions to where he was. the Man has walked into the little box i call my head an said you can't stay here its not good for you.. ok not those exact words but thats wot i feel around him, he's so fucking SMART, i loose IQ pionts when he's in the room becouse he's that smart he knows everything and if he doesn't he can find it.. it fucks me up.. i was smart out of collage at 20 - 23 but i stoped there .. He is there he's 19 i think (18 meh) fuck it he's in school still and i'm in ahaw(sp?) he reminds me of things i wanted when i was a single mom befor my husband came into my life how i didnt hide from ppl how i could talk to ppl an not think everyone thinks i'm stupid and should just go in the other room and leave ppl alone. then three seconds later i'm back to I'm waisting Patricks time, I sould give him back his bass he letting me borrow and stop bothering him, he's always said i should call him, "that's what I'm there for" , " it's what i do" , my head goes 'DO  Not call him!! he doesn't wanna hear from you he's just being nice fool!!' hell i could have talked a blue streek in the car the other day driving him home ... 25 minutes could have vented and let him know wots going on and Nope .. I didn't wanna talk over the music ( bcz it was Janis Joplin {again w/ the spellinf}) and just couldn't think of shit to say except some od bal thing about my mom when i was nine.. i constantly feel this way , don't bug ppl their only being nice , they realy don't want to be around you, i got this proven to me by Amy, BUT Patrick is NO Amy, the relationship isn't even the same and yet i can't wrap my head around the fact that here's someone who is part of your soul,(sounds corrny but work w/ me    remember teri is pagan) let them in god damn it, but i dnt wanna scare him off eather, ( ok that sounded like something else but i;m meaning it like THAT) not that he doesn't bring on thoughts like that, Hell the man makes me miss kissing. i know this is sounding more and more fucked up but bear w/ me here ... I love my husband.. I didn't fight sum british bitch for a him and won for no reason; but damn it i can't kiss him like ..... like when you first meat some one new when you were dating when you could/would kiss for ever and that was great.. sex was"yeah if we get there i'm fine here"  you know that kind of kissing, i can't kiss my hubby like that after Amy any more.. i miss it lots,( not saying i ..kiss Patrick...ok i'd like to but i cant) but i'm saying he makes me think "Why am I in this Dark hole and thinking this is "my place/ wot i deserve""   I mean ..I dont know but its fucked up and i kow it.. He's my friend i love having him around i look forword to WEdnesdays, Bass lesson day, then i feel like a compleat looser idiot stumbling dimwit who didn't take time to do her pratice and actually try and improve ( hell i still cant keep the bass tuned) and back to I'm Waisting His time!         Jeavus I'm reading over this going u sound like a love sick teenager UGH!!! Que Wierd Al's "pitifull" play it loudly ( on 11)   Fuck  i wont have to worrie about waisting his time ..  He'll read this and runn for the hills. Yeah because i'm stupid enough to not hit the back space or deleat button and leave all this shit up for everyone to read.. WoooHooo welcome to stupid land of Teri Up until ...wot time is it now? *looks for the clock* 2:31 am  thinking this is not smart but going to post it any way. OH WELL, if i cant say it then typing it will have to do. 

i'm going to hit send and see you all soon hopefully next time i rant like this it will make more sence but right now i've smoked 6 Marlboros, 5 cups of the GOOD Coffee, and maby a Xanax or 2 and i'll see you all on the other side  

Current Mood: crushed

19th June 2005

11:17pm: By the Goddess! I speek.
this was more important to me at on time than; well ALOT! i don't know exactly why i dug it out and re-read it. this was/is the only true peace of fiction i aspired to write that wasn't PWP. Maybe, if Goddess willing, I'll finish it one day. I hope i do because its taking up valueble room in the space between my ears. lol.


oh btw i have no idea how to do a LJ cut. Sorry.

Title: Somewhere inbetween now then and what was.
Author: Tea
Rating: R-NC-17
Part: (1/?)
Pairing: JC(Josh)Chasez/Cliff Burton
Disclaimer: If this will upset any fans...don't read it. Please take note that this fiction in
no way is meant to put forth any disrespect for the Members of a certain band. It is purely
fictional and is based only on the imagination of the writers and perceived 'stage'
personas only. It is not supposed to represent their real lifestyles in any way. And is not taken from any first hand information whatsoever. So don't even go there

Summary: This is a story that plagued me for some time. Some my call it AU but it’s not really, just give it a chance and pay attention in the beginning and you’ll do fine.

Notes: Please take note to all of those who get pissy with “JC is his name no one calls him Josh” DEAL WITH IT. Read the Fic. and you’ll understand why it would be Stupid to call him JC in it. Thank you.

For those of you reading this on a Nsync or JC sight if you don’t know who Cliff is go read about him he was a blissfully intriguing individual who graced/blessed/enriched all our lives he was something to behold. Take time to get to know him.
Thank you to peaces Alli for being my Beta and putting up with me through this long ass thing :P Love ya.

Archiving Permission: Tallific and Metaslash defiantly! Anywhere else ask me first please 

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Current Mood: curious
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